i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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