I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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