He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
