my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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