As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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