we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i believe in u and ur pee
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
