But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
