So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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