I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
