EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
