i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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