Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
