i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
