I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
