mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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