I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
