So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
