cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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