Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
