She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
