never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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