They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
