Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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