I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
