I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
