i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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