I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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