Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
