This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
