I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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