They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
