I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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