I skipped work to stalk him.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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