When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
