I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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