it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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