A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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