I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
