Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
