Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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