So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
