i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
