i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
