I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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