Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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