dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
