Texts From Last Night

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  (619): View more from California

  I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity

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  (619): I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity http://tfl.nu/ljia
  Replies (5) Good night (1281) Bad night (582)
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  (830): View more from Texas

  If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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  (830): If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice http://tfl.nu/5b32
  Replies (37) Good night (3889) Bad night (863)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?

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  (802): and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina? http://tfl.nu/mzx1
  Replies (47) Good night (722) Bad night (6144)
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  (951): View more from California

  Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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  (951): Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor. http://tfl.nu/e2p4
  Replies (13) Good night (8749) Bad night (1043)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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  (425): Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me. http://tfl.nu/edgt
  Replies (20) Good night (1459) Bad night (4938)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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  (305): he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink http://tfl.nu/w0ij
  Replies (12) Good night (7279) Bad night (1215)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.

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  (505): new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse. http://tfl.nu/qxpq
  Replies (6) Good night (2562) Bad night (760)
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  (469): View more from Texas

  On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.

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  (469): On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/77vq
  Replies (1) Good night (2486) Bad night (875)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment

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  (604): I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment http://tfl.nu/wq23
  Replies (10) Good night (2380) Bad night (1121)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.

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  (813): I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity. http://tfl.nu/otkw
  Replies (5) Good night (1363) Bad night (839)
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.

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  (321): He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector. http://tfl.nu/k71r
  Replies (10) Good night (1506) Bad night (532)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.

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  (502): I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this. (502): Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward. http://tfl.nu/u5vx
  Replies (11) Good night (2084) Bad night (474)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket

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  (412): i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket http://tfl.nu/c231
  Replies (11) Good night (1190) Bad night (314)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...

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  (303): Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching... http://tfl.nu/8tua
  Replies (4) Good night (418) Bad night (678)
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  (415): View more from California

  God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport

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  (415): God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport http://tfl.nu/tt1b
  Replies (3) Good night (316) Bad night (649)

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