we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink