it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works