Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
