ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
