My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
