This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Oh god it's open bar.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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