You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
