Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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