It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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