I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
